Lois & Clark

I bought the first Lois & Clark dvd set as soon as it when on the market, without ever having watched an entire episode.

The reason was: I needed to cleanse the palette after my debilitating time with Smallville.

The most I'd seen of the show was a few seconds of at my babysitter's house. I'm not sure what season it was, but judging by the fact I was in elementary school, it must have been between '93-'94.

How time fun when you're having flies.

So, I heard about the upcoming dvd release on Kryptonsite, then did a little research on L&C fansites. The characterization, humor, and set design of the series seemed a lot more advanced then people now credit it for. Superman-themed TV series all blur together. Lois & Clark was promoted as a steamy show. This reviewer compares the experience of watching it to those old Radio Shack ads with Teri hatcher and Howie Long -- two attractive people flirting in a non-threatening setting. Howie is an eerily exact double for Dean Cain's Clark, as I was later to discover.

L&C is remembered for other, less seemly things. Hardcore DC readers know about the wedding debacle. Casual Superman fans obsess over how the Superboy TV series was prematurely terminated by greedy executives in order to make way for Lois & Clark. Those kinds of feuds never die. Witness the Jungle Emperor vs. Lion King debate (kicking up steam since Confused Matthew's blasting of the decades-old Disney film).

Superboy was the darling of Ilya and Alexander Salkind, two notorious film producers who have never ceased riding the Superman gravy train. The series was campy and generally forgettable. Superboy has recently become a contentious point of litigation between DC Comics and the Shuster family, who were cheated out of their royalties. Thirdly, even comic fans dismiss the 40s-style Superboy -- who battles Lex Luthor as a teenager and swaps Lois Lane's snooping for Lana Lang's snooping -- as a dusty relic of the Silver Age. It's best forgotten.

Smallville came close to revitalizing interest in Superman's early years but, as I've covered, the series fell prey to the exact same trappings: Clark faces his entire rogue's gallery before he ever dons the suit, even killing some of them (Lex included, though he's an ass pull away from a Season 10 cameo). He romances Lois, moves to Metropolis, and even becomes a Daily Planet reporter without so much as wearing glasses. The fans dismiss Smallville as an Elseworld, and advise us to just kick back and enjoy it for what it is. Which wouldn't be a problem if the writing, acting, and special effects weren't utter shit. Image Passions without the tongue-in-cheek self-awareness.

The irony is that despite Lois & Clark's reputation as the big, bullying Goliath to the underdog Superboy, it's far more faithful to the original Richard Donner film in terms of characterization.

Clark: Needs no introduction. This Clark Kent is the closest we've come to a live-action version of John Byrne's post-Crisis Superman, yet distinctive in his own right. Simply put, he's a yuppie. His signature is the tacky ties he wears. Other quirks include his fetish for junk food (he is incapable of gaining weight). The Scully to Lois' Mulder.

Lois: Fiery reporter and take-no-shit feminist. Almost gets killed once (sometimes 2-3 times) per episode. You know the deal: Loves Superman, ignores Clark. Their relationship is ramped up pretty fast, however, to the point where he proposes marriage in Season 2. Lois also evokes the lust of Lex Luthor, as per John Byrne's reboot.

Jimmy I: Mr. Exposition. Played by two actors: the cop from Final Destination 2, and the kid from Child's Play 3. Both are solid in their own right, but Michael Landis looked way too old for a 'cub reporter'. To be fair, by Season 4 Justin Whalin started looking a bit long in the tooth himself.

Jimmy II: The first Jimmy was a street urchin from Brooklyn. Jimmy II is a horny idiot who collects girlfriends like Pokemon cards. For the sake of variety, he and Perry are sometimes thrust into peril instead of Lois.

Perry: The team dad, and greatest Perry White ever. In this version, he's a southern-bred Elvis fanatic. His wife, like Maris, is oft-referred to but never seen. That is until the second-to-last episode of the entire series, when she revealed to be a GILF. Lane Smith grounds the series with some much-needed gravitas and class.

Cat Grant: Formerly Cmdr. Lochley on Babylon 5 -- the much maligned Season 5, anyway. Omnisexual skank who parades around in dresses that look like they got hit by a paint truck. Utterly useless character, phased out during the Season 2 reboot. No offense to Tracey Scoggins, though, she's a decent actress. Huge teeth.

Lex: In another shout-out to the Byrne reboot, Luthor is a beloved philanthropist in this version. Most people can't get past the fact this Luthor has hair. He does wear a bald cap in Season 2, but it is quickly abandoned. Likes to properly ann-un-ci-ate ev-er-ry sen-ten-ence. Falls hard for Lois, eventually becoming her Yandere in Season 3. Not a bad Lex, overall; would've been great to see him in a movie.

The Kents: Pa's still alive in this universe, and he's a whale. On the upside, his voice is pure audio erotica.

Martha is a spunky post-feminist who dabbles in modern art. Clark's parents are constantly flying out to see him on the east coast, raising questions both about their finances and Clark's douchebaggery, since he never offers to fly them there himself. Presumably, the show's producers quickly tired of telephone scenes with the old split-screen effect.

Prankster: Vengeful ex-con who seeks payback on Lois Lane. Played by Bronson Pinchot, which is strange, because a season later we see a villain watching Perfect Strangers on TV. SNAKE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT! Despite his comical nature, he has little in common with his DC counterpart. In Season 4, we're introduced to "Mr. Gadget", who more closely resembles the original Prankster's modus.

Bill Church: Head of Intergang, a crime syndicate which replaces Luthor as the big bad of Season 2. Like Lex, he masquerades as a friendly CEO (owning a store chain that resembles Wall-Mart). Undergoes a Heel Face Turn as the result of his senility, but is usurped by his trophy wife, Mindy.

Bill Church Jr.: Son and heir to Peter Boyle, and later seduced by his new mother-in-law. Convinced by Mindy to overthrow his old man and take over Intergang for himself. This goes about as well as expected. Played by Bruce Campbell, which is the only reason he warrants a mention.

Mindy: An evil nurse who masquerades as a dumb blonde in order to marry Bill Church and take over Intergang. She's never brought to justice.

Tempus: Time-traveling psycho from the future and one of Superman's most frequent enemies, second only to Lex himself. Played with self-referential glee by Lane Davies, an obscure soap actor. His catchphrase is "DUH.", but spoken in such a high-class, erudite tone that it becomes doubly hilarious. Dangerously genre savvy.

H.G. Wells: Famous author and Tempus' arch-nemesis. Built a time machine that runs on gold, and then stupidly showed Tempus how to use it. Wells is played by Bernie in two of his four appearances, and an older actor for the other half.

Lord Nor: Evil Brit with huge shoulder pads, and a transparent General Zod knock-off. His forehead resembles that of a gorilla's. A survivor of New Krypton, an entire planet of Supermen, which appears for 4 episodes and is never mentioned again. Played with scenery-chewing relish by video game VA Simon Templeton. Intends to conquer Earth, one town at a time. To that end, he starts with....Smallville, Ka.

Leslie Luckabee: Sickeningly friendly billionaire who swoops out of nowhere to purchase the Daily Planet in Season 4. Yet another character who likes to cons-tan-tall-ly ann-un-ci-ate. He seems just a bit too good to be true. Those monograms...? Nah.

The Troll: The man behind the man. Lex Luthor's deformed son, who lives in a subway lair whilst controlling Luckabee, who pretends to be Lex Jr. in his place. Under the moniker "Mr. Smith", he pretends to be Luckabee's valet. Has a dumb fixation on marrying Lois. Like father, like son I guess.

Dean Cain is a good Superman. Not a great Superman, but a good Superman. His transfer from Clark to Superman mode is pretty stilted. To be charitable, his rendition of Clark Kent is so breezy and memorable that Superman was bound to suffer by comparison. But the truth of the matter is, Cain's Superman is poorly-acted. He walks around with perpetually-folded arms. His platitudes carry no weight. Cain's weak voice isn't anywhere near commanding enough for the role.

As Clark, however, he excels. In the reboot, Clark was as macho as Superman was. He played football in high school (ethically dubious, in retrospect). He had ridiculous neck-length hair. However, unlike this 90s version of Superman, Cain's Clark is an average yuppie. His signature is the tacky ties he wears to work. His ultimate goal is to attain the white-washed fence, 1950s-era America Dream. Because Clark Kent is an alien, and therefore covets the concept of a nuclear family, makes one realize how much we take it for granted.